I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
