My first STD was from a foam party
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
