my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
