I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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