he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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