For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
