It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
