Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize