i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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