Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
