soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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