she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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