i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
