The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
