he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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