Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
farters have to be the big spoon...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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