My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
