Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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