i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
