The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
