Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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