so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
