Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
