a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
