If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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