WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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