i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize