Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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