My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
