dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
