Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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