You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
