i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
