Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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