Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
