Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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