She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
