he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
