My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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