im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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