I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
