fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
