what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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