i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize