he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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