dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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