you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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