just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Text me some of your sweat
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