New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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