Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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