trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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