I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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