So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
