You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
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