I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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