Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's blow job season.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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