you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
