if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
