oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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