are you so shy because you have an std?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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