i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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