I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
