I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
