with your own penis?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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