I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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